my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.