So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.