I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
