I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
