Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
