Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
