so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So. Much. Porn.
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