Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
