I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
