If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
