I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
