She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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