Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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