My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
