So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
