Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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