I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
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I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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