did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
