If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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