What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
