Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
