You don't have asthma, your pregnant
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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