I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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