I murdered the dance floor call the cops
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
