I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
