My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
