When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
