dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
