im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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