Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
not ubering you a puppy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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