I just pynch a tree in the face
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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