I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
