Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
