Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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