1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I forget how to act sober
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