Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
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Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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