I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
