so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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