the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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