You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
