Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
