I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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