You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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