Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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