I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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