lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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