the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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