trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
