I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
