Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
