i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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