He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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