you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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