I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
