how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
