Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
