dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
