this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
