And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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