She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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