it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
